One of the most common subjects that comes up in my sessions is the subject of boundaries. “What are they? How do I know if boundaries are needed? How do I set them? How do I get people to respect my boundaries?” are all questions I get asked. This is not an exhaustive list, however I’d love to share some tips with you that can help you grow in this area.
First, let’s clear up a common myth.
Myth: Boundaries are mean and hurtful to others.
Truth: Boundaries can be set with love and kindness.
The essential function of a boundary is to teach others how to treat you with respect. Boundaries communicate needs and preferences. They protect you from harm, and allow discernment to determine what relationships are healthy or unhealthy. Healthy boundaries can also reduce resentment and promote trust in relationships.
Let’s break down step by step how to establish healthy boundaries. I like using the acronym AIR to keep it simple.
Assess
-The first step is to identify the boundary that is needed. Check in and assess what your personal boundaries are. Sometimes you can feel it in your gut, or your spirit moves you saying ‘this doesn’t feel ok.’ Boundaries may also stem from core values you have, such as honesty, positive communication or physical safety.
Implement
-In order to have a boundary, you must communicate it to others. As much as it may seem like common sense or obvious to you, other people cannot read your mind or may not share the same boundary. Communicate your boundaries using “I-statements”, such as “I feel _____, when ____happens, what I need is ____”. Be clear and specific. Give the other person a chance to know and meet your needs in a healthier way.
Reinforce
-After you set a boundary, it is essential to follow up on it. Give praise to the other person if the boundary is honored and supported. If the boundary is violated again, follow through and communicate consequences if it should continue. Repeated boundary violations may require you to consider if the relationship is healthy. If the relationship is deemed unhealthy, you may need to consider if you need to remove the relationship.
Healthy relationships are filled with understanding, empathy, communication, trust and commitment to growth. Boundaries are tools to help support the healthy relationships possible in your life. You are worthy of it!
A coach is a great resource to guide you through the process if you get stuck. For more information visit us at www.opendoorscounselingaz.com
Kelly Gutowski, LCSW is a Counselor, Coach and Clinical Social Worker at Open Doors Counseling, Coaching and Consulting. Learn more at www.opendoorscounselingaz.com
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